Acceptance into College after 30 year hiatus!

I watched a short video on YouTube. Someone had put together various parts of interviews over the years that Will Smith had done. I listened to it, over and over again. What was the impact of that video?
I walked away with the belief that anything was possible, a wall is built, one brick at a time. I watched this video again on Friday 11th June, and decided to be proactive. I called the local college around noon, and asked if they were open, and what I would need to come enroll. I got in my car, and signed up to write a placement test, as I had not been to school for 30 years. I was accepted into the college. All weekend, I considered my options, and decided on Monday morning to go apply at another college. I had to rewrite a placement test for this college. I was again accepted after passing the English exam with 100% score, and placing pretty well in Mathematics, for someone that has not done algebra for 30 years.
I then went online and applied for a FAFSA grant the same day. By Tuesday afternoon, I had already had a positive reply from FAFSA, granting me a PELL award.
This gives me hope for a better future for my children and myself. I will do another blog about my goals, in attending college, and what I hope to achieve.

My Unconquerable soul is waking up again!

I have seen so many glimpses of the woman that had an unconquerable soul before moving here to the USA. I am taking on challenges that I would never thought possible again. I know that I am moving on.
Yesterday, I was at a robot and saw my husband at the other side of the street in his truck. I just tried to move along with the traffic so that I was less noticable.

I have been in therapy since September 2009, and know that it is making a difference in my life. I am feeling way more confident in myself. I have lost 2 jobs in 3 months, and my therapist puts that down to PTSD. Yes, I suffer terribly from PTSD, but almost everyday at the end of the day, I count my blessings. Looking back at my marriage and having memories flood back, that have been shelved in the recesses of my mind, overwhelms me at times.

Yesterday, I felt strong, and did a lot of things, which is unusual for me. Last night, as I went to lay down to sleep, sleep was difficult to come by.

Instead I found tears rolling down my cheeks. I was asking myself where these tears were coming from. Maybe seeing him in his truck did that for me. I was so in love with the man, and I eventually had to hold onto his letters and the idea of the man he portrayed himself to be. I kept on believing that he would come to his senses, and love me.

I waited a long time  for that to happen. Obviously it didn't happen. I realize that I was a fool to wait so long to leave him, but I was so scared, as I had been so broken down mentally. I did not think that I could make it on my own, especially having a son in school still.

  I was a woman who could do anything, and NOTHING was too difficult. I did not even second guess myself ever, and never thought that maybe I could not do whatever challenge I took on.
I thank God for my unconquerable soul.

“No one can hide that they are nuts for longer than 6 months.”

“No one can hide that they are nuts for longer than 6 months.” This would summarize the personality of a sociopath/ psychopath. This is so accurate, that looking back, I see it as clear as daylight now. I saw glimpses within 6 months. In fact, I remember that on my first visit to the USA to meet him, I watched him beat and kick his 2 Rottweiler's. What happened to the alarm bells that should have been going off in my head?
I guess those 7 months of writing back and forth that we did, had created an 'idea' of someone I was in love with. What I was watching did not fit the profile. I ignored the signs. There were some flags looking back and reading through those 2 binders of correspondence. I did do a background check on him though. There was no domestic violence history. There were 2 DUI's and I felt that anyone could at the wrong place and time could be pulled over and caught. He would write me letters, and sometimes just quotations of how he felt that a marriage should look like. We had both been married twice, and were badly wanting the 3rd time to be the charm.
My prince came riding in, only he was on a donkey!

Sign of Victory by R Kelly - World Cup 2010 Anthem!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEsEPZ0661c

This is a great song. Gives me shivers up and down my spine. I can feel the atmosphere in my homeland just listening to R Kelly sing and the Soweto Spiritual Singers accompanying him in the background. Those Soweto singers make me so homesick.

Its a song about HOPE!

Will Smith is truly Inspirational.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLN2k0b3g70&feature=related

Will Smith is truly inspirational individual. What an incredible motivation right here. You are my HERO.

Invictus by William E Henley, an unconquerable soul!

This is a poem that I love. Nelson Mandela would recite this poem to himself while in Prison on Robbin Island to remind himself that the prison guards would not break his spirit or soul.

 

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods maybe
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.

~William E Henley

Choking Hands

I want to scream and scream out so loud that someone stops to take notice. I woke up sweating, on my back, choking with the phlegm in my throat. I was screaming NO!!! and his HUGE hands were around my neck. I had to drag myself out of that unconscious state and tell myself to get out of bed NOW! I did not want to live through that again.

The tears started to roll down my face, as I got up, and I started to shake. It is time to record these nightmares, that don't leave me alone. Maybe by writing these down, I will find some comfort. I want peace in my life.

I have not realized the impact of what I lived through and what I have shelved in the recesses of my mind, has had on my life. The impact on MY life, is only surfacing. I am starting to remember more and more things I never wanted to remember. I have questioned myself for years, as to why I have been so unproductive. I have not been unproductive, I have been surviving!

30th November 1999 changed my life forever.

I feel that I need to fill in so many blank areas in the tale to be told here.I guess that 12 years ago, I joined an online dating site while living in Africa, called People2People.com. This was in the infancy stages of online dating. The company was later bought out by Match.com. So here I am in Africa, sitting on my very slow dial up connection connecting to the world. Not many people at the time did that back home.
Within 3 months I had 800 replies. I read every single letter, and tossed them for the most part. A few caught my attention, and I would answer them. Typically within 3 letters of correspondence, I would toss them as well. I slowly whittled down the playing field.
I became very sweet on someone living in Sweden. At that time I was writing to him almost exclusively. Within 2 months I climbed on a plane and was off to Stockholm to visit with him. We had decided that I would stay a month. I also went at the most miserable time of year to see if I would be able to stand living there.
The trouble with the whole scheme of things was that I was separated from my husband still sharing the same home and business. I only found out when I got to Sweden that his wife had only moved out 2 months previously and they were still married and had to stay that way for a year. This is Swedish law when children are involved.
Hindsight is 50/50. Neither of us had any business doing what we were doing. We were just 2 lost souls looking to fill a huge void in our lives, and maybe nullify the pain.
He was an incredibly talented, brilliant minded man. I was smitten with him totally. He had 3 small daughters, that were 5,7 and 9 years old. I adored them. At the end of my visit, he realized that this was too much, too soon, and said that it would not work out and that we should part ways.
It broke my heart. I flew back to Africa very disillusioned. This was a couple of months before the Millennium.
When I got back, in a desperate attempt to drown the pain I was feeling, I opened the online service again.
On the 30 November 1999, my life was about to change forever.

Feeling cheated and dissilutioned after moving 12000 miles

Today I am feeling cheated. I moved 12000 miles to be with my husband, and gave up everything I had known up until that point. I owned a successful company, and 5 bedroom home, with 2 housekeepers and a gardener. Yes I feel cheated. Here I am at 47 starting over. I had to flee for my life when my husband was out of town, and move on without a dime. Its been 5 months and I still don't have a dime.

My health has suffered enormously at his hands over the last 10 years. I used my hands to make a living, and now that does not seem feasible as my hands have many issues that sometimes makes it too painful for me to sew.

I now have to consider going back to college and get reeducated so that I can become employable.Cheated of a life that I thought I was going to live with my husband till death us do part. Yes I feel CHEATED!

Stopped the heart medication.

On Friday night I decided to stop taking my medication for my angina. I do not like the side effects I have experienced in the last 6 weeks, besides the 10 pound gain. I did some research online and found that vitamin B3 helps with the circulation in the body. I started taking them 2 days ago. I still have that strange taste in my mouth.

I got some stuff done today, like reorganize my small space in our home, by putting more shelving in, and getting more boxes to store under the beds. It feels much better.

Since we moved out in January, we have not been able to receive any TV signal. Today, I thought that I am NOT stupid, get it working. I pulled up the manual's online and worked through them. Within 10 minutes I had the Local channels in HDTV. OMG, I can now watch OPRAH when she has something interesting on. Believe it or not, this is a blessing.

Thank you for faith and courage to believe in myself. Amen.

Therapy and decision to report violation, or not?

OK, so I went to therapy today, and told the therapist about the phone call my girlfriend got from my husband. I also told her how he tried to get a phone number out of my friend, by trying to trip her up. This is a clear violation of the protection order. My dilemma lies herein. My friend is afraid of him. She also has a lot of stuff going on in her life. She is in foreclosure on her home.
The last violation I reported, a call made to a friend, angered her husband so much, that he is as mad as a hatter with me. Simply put, he does not want to get involved.
It's a strange thing to try keep yourself safe. Reporting a violation. The abusers pick your friends who they know are weak. Thus the cycle of abuse continues. These men/ women know how to pick off your friends as well.
It's very frustrating to say the least. Makes me want to shout and scream.

Husband is still trying to get my new phone number out of my friends.

Today a girlfriend called, and told me that my husband had tried to contact her on the Thursday before the long weekend ( 5/27/10 ) . She had returned his call, as he had called a couple of weeks earlier and she had avoided the call. He struck up a conversation, and started asking her if she could remove the moles off his back with the laser she has at work. She told him that the dermatologist had told her that it was not a good idea, since it could alter the mole. She knew he was sweet talking her.

She eventually offered that she had not heard from me, since she did not have my phone number. This is becuase I had changed it 3 times to date. He asked her which number she was calling me on, and she said that she could not look it up as she was on the phone to him. She felt that he was trying to trip her up and get a phone number out of her.

He even went as far as asking if he could bring in my step son to have his moles on his face treated. This was all just a ruse to find out information about me. She will not treat him, or my step son. He asked her to met him in the doctor's office when no one else was there on the weekend. Well she is scared of him, why would she do that? I am proud of her for actually calling him back and engaging him in conversation.

He told her that I was under the misconception that he had money, and that I  thought that he could pay for everything. What? Did you not just go on two 10 day golf trips in 2 months. 2 Trips! To California's elite golf clubs. Must be nice, while my children and myself live of food stamps, and the generosity of the Eastside Domestic Violence Programme. 

He lost control over me in some respect, but he still has control over me financially. He controls the insurance on my car, and the car is in his companies name, and the tabs are expired, and I cannot get new ones without his consent. I signed papers at my attorneys office today, filing a motion for contempt. Contempt for allowing my car insurance to lapse. His attorney claims to have notified me of the insurance about to lapse. My arse they did. Did not!

Today I learnt to cast in order to Fly fish, my dream for 15 years.

Today my friend Pat called me and asked what I was doing. Well I guess I was doing nothing fast. I was talked into meeting him with my dog at the boat launch. My dog, loves to run in and out of that damn cold water to retrieve a ball. We play while Pat fishes.

Another fisherman turned up and started fly fishing. I watched in amazement. It is really beautiful to watch. I started speaking to Pat about learning how to do it. Pat had offered to teach me awhile back, but I did not want to go camping for a weekend to learn this. The fellow fishing turns around, and offers to show me how it's done. I am so excited to try this, and am sure that I cannot do it.

I pick up the 11ft rod, and flextec rod from the UK and try it. I stand there for 3 hours and cast over and over again. Eventually I was getting that graceful swirl of the line landing on the water. I fell in love with fly fishing right there on that dock today. Now I guess the second stage is going to be to get a rod, and waders and start fishing with my dog.

I found that I felt very relaxed and was totally enjoying myself. My soul needs that kind of peace.I may have just found one of the best ways to unwind my stressful situation.
Fly fishing has been on my 'bucket' list, ever since I saw the movie,'A river runs through it'.

Fired from my work because sexually abusive customers complained about me!

Last night, my girlfriend and I decide we are going to see Sex in the City.I tell her that we should go to my work and eat dinner there first, on the way to the movie. I also had just got back from my hair extension lady, and had just made my short hair long. It looks good. I am feeling good, walking through the restaurant into the bar area, and my manager stops me, and tells me that tomorrow night is going to be my last night of work. WHAT? No reason.

Later a customer tells me that 2 customers complained about me. I had been working at the restaurant/bar for 2 weeks when a guy walked through the door, and I prayed that he would not recognize me. He knew me from another job, where he was a customer, and he gave me the creeps. My long blond hair was gone, and my hair was short and dark. I had also lost 20 pounds.

Initially he did not recall who I was. As soon as I started speaking with my accent, and asked what he would like to eat or drink, he said 'Oh you're that girl from the casino.' Damn! He called a friend of his on the phone, and told him to come see the new bartender at the restaurant. Well Steve walked in 15 minutes later, and we were introduced. I poured them Bud light's and they started talking and drinking. Steve was making unwelcome sexual comments towards me.

These 2 men were sitting next to 2 of my lesbian customers at the bar counter. The comments towards me got more crude. Both Steve and Brain were talking about my body, and what they would like to do to me, 'bend me over'. My heart started racing, and I left the bar to go into the main restaurant to calm myself down. I had to leave the bar 3 times, to go calm down and stop my racing heart.

I heard the word 'fuck' and 'cunt' come out of there mouth so much that I was besides myself. In all my years I had never met such low life human beings. These pigs were from the bottom of the barrel.
Eventually, Steve asks my one gay customer at the counter if she would like to go with him into the bathroom and give him head. Those 2 women came into the bar at least 4 times a week after work. I have not seen them since that incident.

These men and their unwelcome comments were too much for me. Two months prior to this I thought I was going to die the night the I was raped with hands around my throat.

The crazy thing about this, was about a month later, some guy I had not seen before, Randy walked into the bar, and sat down and started drinking. My friend Pat was there as well. Somehow the conversation changed to us talking about Steve and Brian. This ex marine, Randy, knew them both. He told us of stories where these 2 scum of the earth, would pick up a girl in a bar and take her home. They would rape her, and no one reported a thing, because the girls were mostly drunk at the time.

I believe in the book I read by Gaven De Becker, 'The Gift Of Fear'. If your instinct says its NOT OK, you should go with your gut feeling.

So the victim, becomes the guilty, and loses her job. This is the land of opportunity and home of the FREE! Victims of abuse are NOT free. They suffer long after they leave their perpetrator.

Life is no dress rehearsal! This is IT!

Tonight as I lay in bed crying myself to sleep, I have but one wish. I wish I could take back the 10 years I wasted on a man that did not love ME!
A man that I was never good enough for. I was always trying to be thinner, making sure I wore the cute clothing, going to the Dermatologist to keep up my skin care. And for what? No matter what I did, it was never good ENOUGH!
There in lies the key. No matter how hard I tried to be the picture he had in his mind of what he wanted, it was NEVER enough. That is so sad!
I am still finding it difficult to accept that men hit on me everyday and am trying to see what they see in me, that I don't. I guess its going to be a long uphill battle to accept that I am OK, just as I am!
This is what you get, and life is no dress rehearsal.

Going to an appointment today, 2 days early!

So what is going on with me. I arrive at my new therapists office early this morning. I am standing at her door, knocking, wondering why it's taking so long for her to get the door. I phone her and ask her where she is. It turns out, I am not suppose to be there today. I am suppose to be there on Thursday at 10:30am.

So I go downtown to see my hair stylist who I have spoken to 15 minutes earlier. I get there, and she has gone out. She forgot I had spoken to her. She rescheduled for tomorrow.

Then it's a mad rush off to the attorney. My attorney has taken a bad fall in the bathroom almost 3 weeks ago, and hit the front of his head. He is still in hospital so my divorce has stalled. I saw a fill in attorney today. So here we go starting to explain it all over again. We have to file a contempt of the preliminary divorce proceedings, as well as interrogatories. I can't believe that the judge ordered for there to be no cancellation of any type of insurances, and what does my husband do? He cancels my auto insurance. Well, I found out it was not because it cost less money. In fact it was around $75 more because he only has 1 car on the policy now. I am shaking my head and going, WTF!

So now I am driving around illegally to get to my 2 part time jobs, without a dime of any kind of support until this is over.

I go to work tonight, and cash up for the night, and count the money 3 times. I am shaking my head, because I have way too much tip money. I come home, and try to figure out who tipped what, when I realize that I did not add the original bank for the night back into the drop.

What is wrong with this picture today? I have NEVER done this kind of thing before! I spoke to my therapist on the phone when she calls me tonight, and tell her that I can't believe I am doing this kind of stuff. She tells me that it's to be expected given my stress levels. I really am not bonding too well with these stress levels am I? ARGHHHH!!

Looking through the glass at my unconquerable soul!

Today, for the first time in 9 years I saw a glimmer of the woman I use to be. The woman who let nothing stand in her way, the woman who believed anything was possible. The same woman who moved her family 12 000 miles to be with a man she had fallen in love with over the internet.

I was just cleaning up the yard, and doing some much needed gardening, when I saw her through the looking glass.

I liked my old self. Ms Confidence! Watch out World attitude. She was someone I liked to hang out with. I lost her soon after I moved to the USA. I watched her disappear into the stillness of the night, slowly but surely. I would question my every move, and started believing that it was impossible.

I realized today, how much I lost by allowing myself to be abused by a man who had the strongest desire to control everything around him. It was a slow process and I missed all the signs leading to the imminent collapse of my sense of self.

I realized today, how much I missed her, and welcome her back. I will welcome her with open arms back into my life.

Court House For Protection Order Renewal

Friday the 21 May 2010, I went to the courthouse around noon. I had to go sit with the domestic violence advocates and write out reasons I needed to extend my protection order. Duh! He had just been found guilty on Monday of violation the protection order in court. That helps. What hopefully helps is another 2 violations I am hoping they will charge.
This man according to the advocates words, was 'stalking me'. Nice to know that the man you loved with all your heart at one time, crushed your heart with his bare hands, and now stalks you, because you took away his power, when you said 'enough'.
It was probably the way I took away his power. He went on a trip with his buddies, and when he got back I was gone! His abuse had no where to go, for a little while.
I am sure it won't be long before he finds another poor soul to abuse. I pity the fool!

I was under the terrible misconception that my husband was unaware of my whereabouts

Tonight I got a call from a Debt Collector at the company I work for. I have spoken with them previously and told them my situation. I asked them where they got my work number from. They told me they had called my husband's home phone, and he had given them the number.
I got a protection order for myself, my son and 3 dogs, when I left and got a confidential address through the State of Washington.
Well, I was disillusioned. He knows where I work and what nights I work. I have felt that for some time, because of a strange incident one night at my work with someone I had never met before.
A guy walked into the bar/restaurant I work at, and sat on the end next to the people seated at the counter. I felt uneasy immediately. My six sense told me something was wrong with this person. I was busy serving drinks, and asked him what he needed. He replied nothing yet. I continued to serve other patrons in the area. I told myself to take more notice of this man, but did not, as i was detracted by keeping up with food and drink orders. When I asked him if he needed anything again, he asked for a happy hour menu. He looked it over, all the while I felt creeped out by his presence. I could feel him looking me over. He eventually told me that he would be back in sometime, and left. The 2 woman sitting next to him, commented that the guy was a creep.
3 hours later, I closed up for the night, and walked out of my bar area. Something made me look back, and there on the floor of my bar, in front of the place he was sitting in, was a pair of my panties. Yes they were Victoria"s Secret panties, but they were cheetah hiphuggers with lace. I owned 3 pairs of them. I had left a pair that were too big for me, in the laundry basket at my husband's house, as they were too big for me. Now they were staring at me, from the floor of my bar. I went to the police and reported it, and they looked at me like I was crazy. They told me that many woman wear VS panties, and asked me how I could be certain that they were my panties. I replied that they came out the dirty laundry basket, and all they needed to do was run a DNA check. They laughed at me, and told me that they would never go to so much trouble for a Protection Order Violation. They agreed that if there was a homicide they would go that far. I advised them that I would put the panties in question into a ziplock bag, in my underwear draw, and that if anything happened to me, that was where they would find the evidence. I told them that my husband was sending me a message letting me know that he knew where I was and warning me, that I could run but not hide.
What I learnt for sure tonight after getting that phone call, was that I was not in hiding for sure anymore.

SOC given for an offending protection order violation.

I just spoke to the advocate that was working on 1 of the violations of my Protection Order. My husband was given an S.O.C for 12 months. If he re offends, they will take it seriously! Are you kidding me? I need to speak to another officer and find out if they are going to prosecute the other 2 violations I reported last month. This is so frustrating. My husband (hopefully so to be EX) knows how to skirt the outsides of the law, I have found out.
This is crazy. I have reported 7 violations, to date, and this is what he got. This is why abused women rarely speak out. I have to go back to court to have them extend my P/O because of this. It was very difficult to convince the judge last time to grant me a P/O, because the sociopath I was married to, is so damn convincing!
I have to get on the phone and start making calls, and see who I report voters fraud to, IRS fraud to, and so on, and so on!! Later

It has been a long time since I last blogged. My life has been intensely busy for months. After an incident at the IRS today, I decided that I would record my life with more vigor, if anything, but to leave a trail of evidence behind me. There is so much to write, I will probably jump around from date to date.
Maybe the place to start would be to say, that I became a US Citizen in October 2006. The 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote. In 2008, that right was stolen from me by my husband. He took my voters ballot, voted for McCain, and signed my signature. When I asked him to give me back my ballot, he refused, and grabbed the ballot and left the house. He dropped it in the ballot box that afternoon.
I only remembered that incident, whilst doing stacks of paperwork for a Protection Order. I drove to the nearest Government agency, and they got me a copy of my signed ballot by the next day. It was his signature, not mine!
Today I went to the IRS appeals office, as I have a pending Innocent Spouse claim for the 2 years he forced me to sign. In the 9 years we were married, he only filed 2 years of returns in late 2007. According to the IRS, I had signed a Form 870. I asked for a copy of the form with my signature. They could not give me one. The appeals officer pulled up 'our' case, which I had known nothing about, and I found out that my father had died in October 2007. This was the reason given to the Appeals office for further delay's in filing submission. We were both in Africa in October 2007, on a luxury Safari at Sabi Sabi. We also visited with my family and friends, in Johannesburg, Durban and Cape Town.
The more I learn about the life I knew nothing about, the more I am Gob Smacked! Later!