I want to scream and scream out so loud that someone stops to take notice. I woke up sweating, on my back, choking with the phlegm in my throat. I was screaming NO!!! and his HUGE hands were around my neck. I had to drag myself out of that unconscious state and tell myself to get out of bed NOW! I did not want to live through that again.
The tears started to roll down my face, as I got up, and I started to shake. It is time to record these nightmares, that don't leave me alone. Maybe by writing these down, I will find some comfort. I want peace in my life.
I have not realized the impact of what I lived through and what I have shelved in the recesses of my mind, has had on my life. The impact on MY life, is only surfacing. I am starting to remember more and more things I never wanted to remember. I have questioned myself for years, as to why I have been so unproductive. I have not been unproductive, I have been surviving!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
30th November 1999 changed my life forever.
I feel that I need to fill in so many blank areas in the tale to be told here.I guess that 12 years ago, I joined an online dating site while living in Africa, called People2People.com. This was in the infancy stages of online dating. The company was later bought out by Match.com. So here I am in Africa, sitting on my very slow dial up connection connecting to the world. Not many people at the time did that back home.
Within 3 months I had 800 replies. I read every single letter, and tossed them for the most part. A few caught my attention, and I would answer them. Typically within 3 letters of correspondence, I would toss them as well. I slowly whittled down the playing field.
I became very sweet on someone living in Sweden. At that time I was writing to him almost exclusively. Within 2 months I climbed on a plane and was off to Stockholm to visit with him. We had decided that I would stay a month. I also went at the most miserable time of year to see if I would be able to stand living there.
The trouble with the whole scheme of things was that I was separated from my husband still sharing the same home and business. I only found out when I got to Sweden that his wife had only moved out 2 months previously and they were still married and had to stay that way for a year. This is Swedish law when children are involved.
Hindsight is 50/50. Neither of us had any business doing what we were doing. We were just 2 lost souls looking to fill a huge void in our lives, and maybe nullify the pain.
He was an incredibly talented, brilliant minded man. I was smitten with him totally. He had 3 small daughters, that were 5,7 and 9 years old. I adored them. At the end of my visit, he realized that this was too much, too soon, and said that it would not work out and that we should part ways.
It broke my heart. I flew back to Africa very disillusioned. This was a couple of months before the Millennium.
When I got back, in a desperate attempt to drown the pain I was feeling, I opened the online service again.
On the 30 November 1999, my life was about to change forever.
Within 3 months I had 800 replies. I read every single letter, and tossed them for the most part. A few caught my attention, and I would answer them. Typically within 3 letters of correspondence, I would toss them as well. I slowly whittled down the playing field.
I became very sweet on someone living in Sweden. At that time I was writing to him almost exclusively. Within 2 months I climbed on a plane and was off to Stockholm to visit with him. We had decided that I would stay a month. I also went at the most miserable time of year to see if I would be able to stand living there.
The trouble with the whole scheme of things was that I was separated from my husband still sharing the same home and business. I only found out when I got to Sweden that his wife had only moved out 2 months previously and they were still married and had to stay that way for a year. This is Swedish law when children are involved.
Hindsight is 50/50. Neither of us had any business doing what we were doing. We were just 2 lost souls looking to fill a huge void in our lives, and maybe nullify the pain.
He was an incredibly talented, brilliant minded man. I was smitten with him totally. He had 3 small daughters, that were 5,7 and 9 years old. I adored them. At the end of my visit, he realized that this was too much, too soon, and said that it would not work out and that we should part ways.
It broke my heart. I flew back to Africa very disillusioned. This was a couple of months before the Millennium.
When I got back, in a desperate attempt to drown the pain I was feeling, I opened the online service again.
On the 30 November 1999, my life was about to change forever.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Feeling cheated and dissilutioned after moving 12000 miles
Today I am feeling cheated. I moved 12000 miles to be with my husband, and gave up everything I had known up until that point. I owned a successful company, and 5 bedroom home, with 2 housekeepers and a gardener. Yes I feel cheated. Here I am at 47 starting over. I had to flee for my life when my husband was out of town, and move on without a dime. Its been 5 months and I still don't have a dime.
My health has suffered enormously at his hands over the last 10 years. I used my hands to make a living, and now that does not seem feasible as my hands have many issues that sometimes makes it too painful for me to sew.
I now have to consider going back to college and get reeducated so that I can become employable.Cheated of a life that I thought I was going to live with my husband till death us do part. Yes I feel CHEATED!
My health has suffered enormously at his hands over the last 10 years. I used my hands to make a living, and now that does not seem feasible as my hands have many issues that sometimes makes it too painful for me to sew.
I now have to consider going back to college and get reeducated so that I can become employable.Cheated of a life that I thought I was going to live with my husband till death us do part. Yes I feel CHEATED!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Stopped the heart medication.
On Friday night I decided to stop taking my medication for my angina. I do not like the side effects I have experienced in the last 6 weeks, besides the 10 pound gain. I did some research online and found that vitamin B3 helps with the circulation in the body. I started taking them 2 days ago. I still have that strange taste in my mouth.
I got some stuff done today, like reorganize my small space in our home, by putting more shelving in, and getting more boxes to store under the beds. It feels much better.
Since we moved out in January, we have not been able to receive any TV signal. Today, I thought that I am NOT stupid, get it working. I pulled up the manual's online and worked through them. Within 10 minutes I had the Local channels in HDTV. OMG, I can now watch OPRAH when she has something interesting on. Believe it or not, this is a blessing.
Thank you for faith and courage to believe in myself. Amen.
I got some stuff done today, like reorganize my small space in our home, by putting more shelving in, and getting more boxes to store under the beds. It feels much better.
Since we moved out in January, we have not been able to receive any TV signal. Today, I thought that I am NOT stupid, get it working. I pulled up the manual's online and worked through them. Within 10 minutes I had the Local channels in HDTV. OMG, I can now watch OPRAH when she has something interesting on. Believe it or not, this is a blessing.
Thank you for faith and courage to believe in myself. Amen.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Therapy and decision to report violation, or not?
OK, so I went to therapy today, and told the therapist about the phone call my girlfriend got from my husband. I also told her how he tried to get a phone number out of my friend, by trying to trip her up. This is a clear violation of the protection order. My dilemma lies herein. My friend is afraid of him. She also has a lot of stuff going on in her life. She is in foreclosure on her home.
The last violation I reported, a call made to a friend, angered her husband so much, that he is as mad as a hatter with me. Simply put, he does not want to get involved.
It's a strange thing to try keep yourself safe. Reporting a violation. The abusers pick your friends who they know are weak. Thus the cycle of abuse continues. These men/ women know how to pick off your friends as well.
It's very frustrating to say the least. Makes me want to shout and scream.
The last violation I reported, a call made to a friend, angered her husband so much, that he is as mad as a hatter with me. Simply put, he does not want to get involved.
It's a strange thing to try keep yourself safe. Reporting a violation. The abusers pick your friends who they know are weak. Thus the cycle of abuse continues. These men/ women know how to pick off your friends as well.
It's very frustrating to say the least. Makes me want to shout and scream.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Husband is still trying to get my new phone number out of my friends.
Today a girlfriend called, and told me that my husband had tried to contact her on the Thursday before the long weekend ( 5/27/10 ) . She had returned his call, as he had called a couple of weeks earlier and she had avoided the call. He struck up a conversation, and started asking her if she could remove the moles off his back with the laser she has at work. She told him that the dermatologist had told her that it was not a good idea, since it could alter the mole. She knew he was sweet talking her.
She eventually offered that she had not heard from me, since she did not have my phone number. This is becuase I had changed it 3 times to date. He asked her which number she was calling me on, and she said that she could not look it up as she was on the phone to him. She felt that he was trying to trip her up and get a phone number out of her.
He even went as far as asking if he could bring in my step son to have his moles on his face treated. This was all just a ruse to find out information about me. She will not treat him, or my step son. He asked her to met him in the doctor's office when no one else was there on the weekend. Well she is scared of him, why would she do that? I am proud of her for actually calling him back and engaging him in conversation.
He told her that I was under the misconception that he had money, and that I thought that he could pay for everything. What? Did you not just go on two 10 day golf trips in 2 months. 2 Trips! To California's elite golf clubs. Must be nice, while my children and myself live of food stamps, and the generosity of the Eastside Domestic Violence Programme.
He lost control over me in some respect, but he still has control over me financially. He controls the insurance on my car, and the car is in his companies name, and the tabs are expired, and I cannot get new ones without his consent. I signed papers at my attorneys office today, filing a motion for contempt. Contempt for allowing my car insurance to lapse. His attorney claims to have notified me of the insurance about to lapse. My arse they did. Did not!
She eventually offered that she had not heard from me, since she did not have my phone number. This is becuase I had changed it 3 times to date. He asked her which number she was calling me on, and she said that she could not look it up as she was on the phone to him. She felt that he was trying to trip her up and get a phone number out of her.
He even went as far as asking if he could bring in my step son to have his moles on his face treated. This was all just a ruse to find out information about me. She will not treat him, or my step son. He asked her to met him in the doctor's office when no one else was there on the weekend. Well she is scared of him, why would she do that? I am proud of her for actually calling him back and engaging him in conversation.
He told her that I was under the misconception that he had money, and that I thought that he could pay for everything. What? Did you not just go on two 10 day golf trips in 2 months. 2 Trips! To California's elite golf clubs. Must be nice, while my children and myself live of food stamps, and the generosity of the Eastside Domestic Violence Programme.
He lost control over me in some respect, but he still has control over me financially. He controls the insurance on my car, and the car is in his companies name, and the tabs are expired, and I cannot get new ones without his consent. I signed papers at my attorneys office today, filing a motion for contempt. Contempt for allowing my car insurance to lapse. His attorney claims to have notified me of the insurance about to lapse. My arse they did. Did not!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Today I learnt to cast in order to Fly fish, my dream for 15 years.
Today my friend Pat called me and asked what I was doing. Well I guess I was doing nothing fast. I was talked into meeting him with my dog at the boat launch. My dog, loves to run in and out of that damn cold water to retrieve a ball. We play while Pat fishes.
Another fisherman turned up and started fly fishing. I watched in amazement. It is really beautiful to watch. I started speaking to Pat about learning how to do it. Pat had offered to teach me awhile back, but I did not want to go camping for a weekend to learn this. The fellow fishing turns around, and offers to show me how it's done. I am so excited to try this, and am sure that I cannot do it.
I pick up the 11ft rod, and flextec rod from the UK and try it. I stand there for 3 hours and cast over and over again. Eventually I was getting that graceful swirl of the line landing on the water. I fell in love with fly fishing right there on that dock today. Now I guess the second stage is going to be to get a rod, and waders and start fishing with my dog.
I found that I felt very relaxed and was totally enjoying myself. My soul needs that kind of peace.I may have just found one of the best ways to unwind my stressful situation.
Fly fishing has been on my 'bucket' list, ever since I saw the movie,'A river runs through it'.
Another fisherman turned up and started fly fishing. I watched in amazement. It is really beautiful to watch. I started speaking to Pat about learning how to do it. Pat had offered to teach me awhile back, but I did not want to go camping for a weekend to learn this. The fellow fishing turns around, and offers to show me how it's done. I am so excited to try this, and am sure that I cannot do it.
I pick up the 11ft rod, and flextec rod from the UK and try it. I stand there for 3 hours and cast over and over again. Eventually I was getting that graceful swirl of the line landing on the water. I fell in love with fly fishing right there on that dock today. Now I guess the second stage is going to be to get a rod, and waders and start fishing with my dog.
I found that I felt very relaxed and was totally enjoying myself. My soul needs that kind of peace.I may have just found one of the best ways to unwind my stressful situation.
Fly fishing has been on my 'bucket' list, ever since I saw the movie,'A river runs through it'.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
