Acceptance into College after 30 year hiatus!

I watched a short video on YouTube. Someone had put together various parts of interviews over the years that Will Smith had done. I listened to it, over and over again. What was the impact of that video?
I walked away with the belief that anything was possible, a wall is built, one brick at a time. I watched this video again on Friday 11th June, and decided to be proactive. I called the local college around noon, and asked if they were open, and what I would need to come enroll. I got in my car, and signed up to write a placement test, as I had not been to school for 30 years. I was accepted into the college. All weekend, I considered my options, and decided on Monday morning to go apply at another college. I had to rewrite a placement test for this college. I was again accepted after passing the English exam with 100% score, and placing pretty well in Mathematics, for someone that has not done algebra for 30 years.
I then went online and applied for a FAFSA grant the same day. By Tuesday afternoon, I had already had a positive reply from FAFSA, granting me a PELL award.
This gives me hope for a better future for my children and myself. I will do another blog about my goals, in attending college, and what I hope to achieve.

My Unconquerable soul is waking up again!

I have seen so many glimpses of the woman that had an unconquerable soul before moving here to the USA. I am taking on challenges that I would never thought possible again. I know that I am moving on.
Yesterday, I was at a robot and saw my husband at the other side of the street in his truck. I just tried to move along with the traffic so that I was less noticable.

I have been in therapy since September 2009, and know that it is making a difference in my life. I am feeling way more confident in myself. I have lost 2 jobs in 3 months, and my therapist puts that down to PTSD. Yes, I suffer terribly from PTSD, but almost everyday at the end of the day, I count my blessings. Looking back at my marriage and having memories flood back, that have been shelved in the recesses of my mind, overwhelms me at times.

Yesterday, I felt strong, and did a lot of things, which is unusual for me. Last night, as I went to lay down to sleep, sleep was difficult to come by.

Instead I found tears rolling down my cheeks. I was asking myself where these tears were coming from. Maybe seeing him in his truck did that for me. I was so in love with the man, and I eventually had to hold onto his letters and the idea of the man he portrayed himself to be. I kept on believing that he would come to his senses, and love me.

I waited a long time  for that to happen. Obviously it didn't happen. I realize that I was a fool to wait so long to leave him, but I was so scared, as I had been so broken down mentally. I did not think that I could make it on my own, especially having a son in school still.

  I was a woman who could do anything, and NOTHING was too difficult. I did not even second guess myself ever, and never thought that maybe I could not do whatever challenge I took on.
I thank God for my unconquerable soul.

“No one can hide that they are nuts for longer than 6 months.”

“No one can hide that they are nuts for longer than 6 months.” This would summarize the personality of a sociopath/ psychopath. This is so accurate, that looking back, I see it as clear as daylight now. I saw glimpses within 6 months. In fact, I remember that on my first visit to the USA to meet him, I watched him beat and kick his 2 Rottweiler's. What happened to the alarm bells that should have been going off in my head?
I guess those 7 months of writing back and forth that we did, had created an 'idea' of someone I was in love with. What I was watching did not fit the profile. I ignored the signs. There were some flags looking back and reading through those 2 binders of correspondence. I did do a background check on him though. There was no domestic violence history. There were 2 DUI's and I felt that anyone could at the wrong place and time could be pulled over and caught. He would write me letters, and sometimes just quotations of how he felt that a marriage should look like. We had both been married twice, and were badly wanting the 3rd time to be the charm.
My prince came riding in, only he was on a donkey!

Sign of Victory by R Kelly - World Cup 2010 Anthem!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEsEPZ0661c

This is a great song. Gives me shivers up and down my spine. I can feel the atmosphere in my homeland just listening to R Kelly sing and the Soweto Spiritual Singers accompanying him in the background. Those Soweto singers make me so homesick.

Its a song about HOPE!

Will Smith is truly Inspirational.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLN2k0b3g70&feature=related

Will Smith is truly inspirational individual. What an incredible motivation right here. You are my HERO.

Invictus by William E Henley, an unconquerable soul!

This is a poem that I love. Nelson Mandela would recite this poem to himself while in Prison on Robbin Island to remind himself that the prison guards would not break his spirit or soul.

 

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods maybe
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.

~William E Henley

Choking Hands

I want to scream and scream out so loud that someone stops to take notice. I woke up sweating, on my back, choking with the phlegm in my throat. I was screaming NO!!! and his HUGE hands were around my neck. I had to drag myself out of that unconscious state and tell myself to get out of bed NOW! I did not want to live through that again.

The tears started to roll down my face, as I got up, and I started to shake. It is time to record these nightmares, that don't leave me alone. Maybe by writing these down, I will find some comfort. I want peace in my life.

I have not realized the impact of what I lived through and what I have shelved in the recesses of my mind, has had on my life. The impact on MY life, is only surfacing. I am starting to remember more and more things I never wanted to remember. I have questioned myself for years, as to why I have been so unproductive. I have not been unproductive, I have been surviving!